Thu, 17 Apr 2008 22:47:08 GMT

Got some haze =]

What a nice day. Going out was nice for me. Helped end the night positively.
My fam comes into my head every now and then- but its amazing because I am able to just think it off quickly.

This is what I needed, finally =]

Ahhh Brian makes me so happy- I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He always laughs at what I say, and he is nuts. I love nuts. ha

Okay- so from now on- I will make my journal my writing blog towards positive recovery- writing how I feel everyday will help me stay on track. =]

PLUS BUDDHA. Is amazing. I will strickly practice every morning instead of "when I feel like it". It is really a soothing thing for me- helps me center myself and have mindfullness- which is key through it all =]

Man oh man it is blazing hot in here and its going to b even hotter because we're lighting up a blunt now=]
Relaxation time.

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 22:39:13 GMT

Okay- so i went to the school physician and she told me everything I need to do so very well.
She was also extremely intelligent in figuring out my family and why they are doing the things they are doing.
She said that my father told me to never come back, because he knows that im causing my grandmother stress right now, and he knows I have the "skills" to handle this independently, and my grandmother does not.

Its true. She is in need of major support on her part. She needs people. I, obviously, do not need people to be happy.

SOOOO the doctor said that it is crucial to not talk to them until I am completely recovered.

I think this time- im actually going to do it. Like the doctor said, I wont have my family there to cause me to slip up on the road to recovery.
I need just me. Just Erika Manzi- for the first time ever in my life I need to worry about myself-not worry about my families issues.
This will be sooo tough but with support, I believe I can do this.

She also mentioned my nature-nurture problem. All my life, I have been nurtured- not able to dicover my nature. She says the nurture has discouraged me- and that im strong enough to come out of this mental state because of my nature-

Shes right. I dont understand why I have such positive, amazing, eager goals yet feel like I cant accomplish them. I know I can- but in order to succeed, I need to get thearapy that roots back t the day I was born. I cant reach them and be happy at the same time without recovering.

I'm in a way scared- but in another way really happy that someone told me in the way they did to recover- and why its so important.
Tid bits from the appointment-
She said I need to eat a minimum of 2000 calories. =0 Do normal people really eat that much?! I thought it was 1500 and even that is a little much. But she was so strict in the eyes and said that its really vital for me to eat and eat WELL for my mind to take recovery seriously and make it effective. I told Brian he cant go along with my rules anymore- that he really needs to tell me whats right and guide me in the right direction. And he has already <3

On a lighter-normal-everyday-stuff-note: Im seeing Cassie, my bff. We're going out to eat and im excited because im doing something social. I feel like i've lost my whole social life after high school- so I get excited when friends invite me to do things =]. Didn't work out today- because i've been so busy but its such a warm day- i'll try and make it more relaxing? lol

NEED AIR CONDITIONER asap. Also like 5 crates of navel oranges. I love those fucking things.

"Oblah di Oblah da Life Goes On"